义气 (Loyalty)

I came to realize that i'm very loyal in relationships. I'm not to show off about this, because the statement does not end there.. there is a BUT...  I'm loyal in relationships, BUT! i have also expected others to treat me the same. >.<

How could i ever be so selfish, expecting others to repay my loyalty, to also do same to me, which may be beyond their willingness? That may be no more loyalty, but instead, wrong expectations that tend to force others to do what they didn't choose to, out of the heart. 勉强不是幸福。。 hmm...

It all boils down to personality, i guess. For me, it's never easy to find a friend whom you can be comfortable with, whom you can be yourself when you are with them. A friend who accepts you for who you are, who is true to you, whom you can trust 99% (if not, 98% :P), who doesn't mind to give you a hand when you need them, who laughs & cries with you, who is willing to sacrifice quality time for you, who is never against you but always for you, who encourages you when you think you couldn't make it, who lifts up your spirit & make you happy, and most of all, who enjoys & chooses to be with you too... and who stays that way loyally, being best friends forever. Ah, yes, forever.
Wow, this long list is seemingly perfect.. i wonder if i would ever find such a true friend in my life, besides my other half.

Well, i thought i have found, in some point of my life. We have mutually expressively "declared" our commitment towards one another. If i ever choose to have you as my true close friend, nothing may ever change that fact, nothing, & no one, except for you yourself. I will never break my promise to you, but if you choose to break it, of course i would be sad & disappointed, & hurt. However, i have no choice but to respect your decision. I think, i'm still a small naive little girl...in this big big world..

Circumstances have helped me to grow. Life is never a bed of roses. I have stubborn loyalty towards relationships, & this personality has gotten me hurt. Our relationship would never be the same again. This let me thought of a story i heard before...


There was once a young boy with a terrible temper. He
used to speak harshly and get angry many times a day, at
the slightest provocation. His wise father told him that
every time he got angry he had to hammer a nail into the
wood fence in the backyard. The first day the boy ham-
mered 45 nails into the fence – practically his entire day
was spent in the back  yard. The next day, with his arm
sore from hammering, he tried to get angry less. He ham-
mered only 25 nails into the fence the second day.  By the
end of a few weeks, the boy proudly went to his dad and
told him that he had not gotten angry at all that day.
So, the boy’s father told him that now he could start re-
moving the nails from the fence. There were 2 ways that
nails could be removed: either if the boy could go an entire
day without getting mad, or if the boy apologized sincerely
to someone whom he had hurt through his anger.
So, the boy began to apologize to people whom he had
wounded and he tried hard not to get angry. Slowly, slowly,
the nails began to get pulled out of the fence. One day,
the boy proudly went to his dad and told him that all the
nails were out of the fence. He told his dad that his anger
was “a thing of the past.”
His dad then led the boy by the hand to the fence and
showed him how the fence was now riddled with holes. It
was no longer the sturdy, strong fence it once had been.
It was now weakened and damaged. Every time the wind
blew strongly the fence swayed in the wind, for it was so
full of holes that the breeze caused the fence to move.
“Do you see that?” The father asked the boy. “For you,
anger is a thing of the past. Yet, this fence will never re-
cover. Every time you get angry at someone it is like driv-
ing a nail into them. You may later remove the nail, but the
hole is still there. The effect of your anger can not be
removed.”


I have forgiven you, yes i do, but the scar will forever be there. I have come to learn that, i should learn to handle friendships differently. I learnt that it is wrong to have unrealistic expectations like mine. And i'm totally sorry for that. I hope that you would forgive me too.

Jesus teaches us to live peacefully with our brothers & sisters, and He also says that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Thus, if ever I should give, I should never expect anything in return. This is the key to perfect joy.

As a conclusion, loyalty is a good thing. But if it is misused, it will lead to bitterness. I know, I have to learn.. It is hard for me.. but i have to change.. for the better.. Personalities are hard to change, but it's not impossible. Many years ago i have been hurt because of the same reason, yet i have not changed. Lord, pls grant me the strength to overcome & change for the better. Amen.

And, thanks for helping me to grow, my friend... =)